Wednesday, August 3, 2011

It was a call.

If it didn't happen, I wouldn't have been awakened.

I guess it's time to reveal who I really am.
Beyond that image I so strongly build up everyday to conceal who I am.
But that could only go on for so long.
Pretending can only go on for so long.
Masquerades must end no matter how long you intend to wear the mask.

I have been hiding that I, am weak.
For me weakness was not acceptable..It was not for me.
That was before I had to see it for myself.
I had to see for myself how vulnerable I was.
My greatest fear came to be.
I do not have control.

I was angry, frustrated, depressed.
I was down.
and for a while, instead of looking for the solution to how I felt,
I was sitting, trying to analyze things..trying to figure out what was going wrong.
I was trying to figure out if someone was doing this to me,
until it hit me. I was doing this to me.
Then I figured, everybody's doing it to themselves.
And I am no different.

Time passed and I still couldn't figure it out.
Until it hit me; I couldn't figure it out.
I knew I had to be answered.
But I went to the wrong people.
My fears grew worse.
Things get worse when you take the wrong turn and ask the wrong people for advice.
Things get worse when you talk to people more miserable than you.
because you get jolted into the reality that it is hard.
What is hard?
everything is.

When I realized this, I became even more sad.
I felt so low, but denying that I was depressed.
How could it be?
I still wouldn't give up.
I still wanted to search and explain for myself.
As if the paranoia and the fear was not yet crippling enough.
I subconsciously decided I wanted to add more.
Until I spun out of control.
and even more. the fear of being bewildered.

I was in a situation that no one would actually end up in.
I was afraid to die...but I was afraid to live.

How can this happen to me?I ask myself.
How did I turn into this?
How can someone actually be the cause of their own struggle.
I couldn't understand.
I wanted to understand.
But I wasn't going to.
Not by my understanding.

Then I unloaded everything to my mother.
As much as I have turned my back on her,
She was standing, looking with pity at me.
I was empty.
And for a mother, it was too much to see her child suffer.
then she reminded me.
"Anak, PRAY"
I said, "Yes ma, I am."
She continued, "PRAY UNCEASINGLY".

I went with her to the feast.
It was a gathering, a Holy gathering.
Every son and daughter of God came to worship and rejoice.
And I decided, I am a daughter of God.
I will come too. I will worship and rejoice.
Something I haven't done for so long.
Way too long.

As the days went by,
I would relapse to the defeated self I have left.
But I would pick myself up.
I had to decide.

I will stop complaining,
I will stop blaming,
I will stop analyzing,
I will stop controlling,
I will stop demanding.

Everything I am, was the result of my decisions.
Everything I thought of, was materialized.
I created all this.
But now, I can't "uncreate" it.

No, Not me.
I cannot do it.
No one can.
You think you can.
But pretty soon, you will realize that you need help.
No matter how hard you try.
You will realize,

I need Him. I need my God.

It is only through Him that I can overcome.
I filled myself with His promises.
I thought I had faith.

But I realized, it's easy to have faith when things are going well.
You will know that it is when things are spinning out of control,
that you will see, How much faith do I have?

I thought I had faith.
But now, I know I have faith.
I am beginning to rediscover it.
The REAL faith.

Not faith when I ask and I receive it.
Not the faith that is asking for signs and assurance.
Not faith that is only present when I am okay.

I am learning real faith.
I am learning the life that I should have.
I am learning that to be transformed begins with me.

You should not wait for God to change you.
No, it does not work that way.
God is waiting for you to change.
God is waiting for you to pass the exam.
God wants to hear that you are asking for His help.
Because He will.

Believe me, He will.

And as for me,
This continuing process of rediscovery is a start of something new in my life.
The success I have been dreaming of now has a new meaning, a new foundation.
And it can never be stolen from me.

This is the most secure relationship in the world.
A person you love can leave you anytime. Or when the next better lover arrives.
But this relationship, can never be broken.
Because your partner never leaves.
And the only way the relationship will be broken,
is when you turn away. when you leave.
This relationship will teach you the real meaning of TRUST, UNDERSTANDING AND FAITH.
And the teacher is better than anyone you know in this world.

So I suggest, you start in this new relationship.
Do not wait for a downfall. For I have discovered that when you are in so much need, like being submerged in water needing one gasp of air,
that you remember HIM. You remember Him when you cannot take it anymore.
I suggest you remember Him. Now, every second and forevermore.

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