I cannot determine the precise steps to get near to Him and be in a loving and committed relationship with Him, as I do with humans.
I reflected during work yesterday on how to get intimate with God. I brought my New testament bible and started reading books and verses that nudged me on the inside.
However, I was missing the point.
In order to know God, I must know the whole story. Just as I cannot fall in love with someone whom I do not know anything about, I must immerse myself to knowing Him if I want to have a relationship with Him.
I have grown stubborn. Full of excuses on why I can't pick up my bible to read the chapters one by one and the whole book cover to cover. I crowd my mind with unnecessary clutter, worries about my plans, tomorrow, my family, the people I want and do not want in my life and so much more.
I was complaining to Him yesterday while walking. " I want to live for You, I want to do what you want me to but how come You don't want to show me what to do?"
I was a bit upset. I felt the inner warfare we all go through against the forces of evil and I get by through the snippets I take from the bible and personal prayers. But let me just say, yes, they are effective.
I remember the song we sing in church that "we are in a fight not physical, and we in a war but not with this world."
I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to revive something I know I have lost along the way. My relationship with Him.
I was getting bugged by the enemy again as I was praying. So I wondered what was wrong.
and that night it came to me. Go to confession. Confess my sins to have peace of mind.
I have filled myself with so much clutter. I am at that moment of unclarity and I cannot even think straight.
For sure, there was no peace of mind. Have you ever felt that?
The feeling that you have so much inside your mind but there was no one thing.
You are just so uneasy. So restless.
So before I went to bed, I talked to Him. I confessed: "Jesus forgive me for my transgressions." and I started to pour out my sins and everything I have done that may have disappointed Him.
I wanted peace of mind so badly. I wanted Jesus. I wanted to see Him, to meet Him to encounter Him.
I slept well last night. But you see, when you confess directly to Him, it is a silent confession. Not like the ones we do in Catholic church where you absolutely hear the priest's absolution (but I know that I have to go to the confession box to fulfill my Catholic duty).
So this morning, I was again distracted by the hustle and bustle of my preparation for my planned exams in the US. I got distracted by so many things just before I prayed. I knew it was getting the best of me again. So I closed the books, stopped chatting with my friend and opened the daily reading.
I wanted God to talk to me...so bad.
Then as I was reading, the answers poured in.
From the first reading,
Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me.
For I am the least of the apostles, unfit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God which is with me.
From the psalms ( my favorite PS 118)
Let Israel say, "His steadfast love endures for ever."
the right hand of the LORD is exalted, the right hand of the LORD does valiantly!"
I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD.
Thou art my God, and I will give thanks to thee; thou art my God, I will extol thee.
And the confirmation of everything, from the Gospel reading,
Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little."
And he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."
Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, "Who is this, who even forgives sins?"
And he said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
And a sigh of relief came from me.
I am no one deserving to receive direct answers. I doubt. I fear. I lack trust. And for all my inequities, He still talks to me to comfort me. He reminds me of His presence in my life.
Now I want to start on the journey. No matter how many times I fall, I want to go and go back to that relationship with Him.
For He is the beginning and the end and everything lives in Him.